Forget retirement plans, rainy day funds, and even fallout shelters. The real survival kit of the future is a pricing plan.
Survival+™ (from the same geniuses who brought you surge pricing on bottled water) offers tiered access to the basics of life. Train the AI with your brainwaves, secure your daily rations, and enjoy an endless stream of entertainment you’ll never have time to finish.
Free Tier: Ad-Supported Existence
Survival: 2 liters of water per day (after 10 ads). 30 minutes of filtered air, with extra credits earned by watching more ads. Nutrient Sludge Lite™ (legally “food-adjacent”).
Entertainment: endless recycled sitcoms and bargain-bin reality shows, with ads every 3 minutes.
Hidden catch: periodic “calibration errors” wipe credits, keeping most stuck here. Official support blames your negative attitude toward ads.
Silver Tier: Subsistence+
Survival: unlimited air (with micro-ads whispered into dreams). Daily upgrade to Sludge Premium™ with mystery flavor packet.
Entertainment: a larger library of reruns and classic games, fewer interruptions than Free.
Hidden catch: credits expire nightly if your brainwaves show resentment during ads. Hate an ad? It returns more often. Only by learning to love them can you climb higher.
Gold Tier: Comfort Living
Survival: fresh water on demand. Real food once a week (bugs, curated). “Skip Ad” tokens for critical moments.
Entertainment: blockbuster films, esports streams, and influencer channels with reduced ad loads.
Hidden catch: premium outages during peak hours. Users are told it’s due to insufficient enthusiasm in prior ad engagement. Expect surprise demotions to Silver.
Platinum+: Because You Deserve It
Survival: meat once a month, vegetable scraps from vertical farms, and a private oxygen quota not tied to ads.
Entertainment: early access to premieres, VR concerts, and AAA game releases with “optional” product placement.
Hidden catch: system audits revoke benefits at random. Non-conformists are demoted all the way to Free, with their downfall broadcast as mandatory viewing for everyone else.
Diamond Tier: The Parallel Existence
Before Platinum users get too comfortable, rumors point to an unlisted level above them all.
Survival: endless clean water, abundant real food, unlimited fresh air.
Entertainment: fully ad-free, from private VR theaters to curated live performances.
Hidden catch: none—because this tier runs on actual currency. Reserved for executives, shareholders, and loyal enforcers. A parallel existence, hidden in plain sight.
The Future of Survival
Economists once predicted we’d run out of oil, water, or breathable air. Wrong. What we really ran out of was privacy. And in this future, privacy is the only currency the masses can spend—while the elite simply pay cash and live above it all.
So choose wisely: grind for scraps in the ad-driven tiers, or dream of the Diamond existence you’ll never reach. The system isn’t broken; it’s working exactly as intended.
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