Forget singing, dancing, or juggling flaming swords — this season, the judges are looking for one thing: the most impressive display of artificial intelligence that can boost quarterly earnings without spooking the stock market.
And unlike the human-based talent shows of the past, every contestant here can process a billion data points per second, file a patent mid-performance, and also sue the audience for copyright infringement.
The Judges
- Lydia Byte – Visionary CEO of MegaCloud. Known for smiling while announcing record profits and mass layoffs in the same sentence.
- Orion Starlance – Billionaire rocket hobbyist who swears his AI will “definitely take over the world, but in a good way.”
- Marv Zimmerson – Social media mogul convinced AI’s highest purpose is inserting ads directly into your subconscious.
- Wildcard Judge – A rotating seat: sometimes it’s an AI pretending to be human, sometimes it’s a venture capitalist who thinks “LLM” stands for “Lots of Money.”
The Contestants
- Questor-9 – Predicts the end of the universe will happen next Tuesday and refuses to elaborate unless offered artisanal guacamole.
- ShopBot UltraPrime – An e-commerce AI that sends you products before you know you want them… often by launching them through your window via supersonic delivery drone.
- Pearl™ VoxOS – Still doesn’t understand your requests, but now requires a $79 adapter just to misinterpret them in higher resolution.
- DreamAd Infuser 5000 – Streams targeted ads directly into your REM cycles. Side effects include brand loyalty, impulse shopping, and humming jingles you’ve never heard before.
- Cliptonic – Once a humble office assistant, it now offers to automate your job, write your resignation letter, and deliver it with passive-aggressive formatting.
The Grand Finale
After weeks of elimination rounds and at least three televised AI-on-AI lawsuits, the two finalists emerge:
- HopeCore – An AI that can end global famine, cure five diseases, and reverse climate change.
- AdMaximizer Pro – An AI that can increase ad click-through rates by 0.3%.
The winner? Of course it’s AdMaximizer Pro. Global hunger can wait — but those ad impressions aren’t going to optimize themselves.
Closing Note
Next season, America’s Got AI goes global — and contestants will be allowed to train their models on rival companies’ employees. What could possibly go wrong?
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