The bots have taken over.
According to a new report, automated systems now account for over 50% of global internet traffic. On Twitter/X, it’s worse—75% of activity is synthetic. That meme you just laughed at? AI-generated. That argument you got into about mayonnaise? Two bots, LARPing as people, monetizing your outrage.
We didn’t lose the internet to nukes. We autocompleted it into oblivion.
🤖 A New Hope… or at Least a New Domain
Enter NullBot Social, the latest startup promising to return us to an imagined golden age when humans were still driving the discourse and not just screaming into algorithmic echo chambers.
Slogan: “No bots allowed.”
(Not legally binding. Conditions apply.)
Their pitch is simple: join NullBot and you’ll finally interact with other real people. No deepfakes, no LLM-generated thirst traps, no 2:00 a.m. friend requests from GPT-7. Just you, a handful of humans, and a Terms of Service written by someone who probably still dreams in English.
🧪 The NullBot Verification Process™
To maintain the illusion of humanity, NullBot Social has implemented an aggressive vetting system:
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CAPTCHA gauntlets longer than your résumé
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Mandatory breath verification (Beta)
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“Describe the smell of rain” writing prompt
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Retina scan + 3 references from living mammals
Users flagged as “Too Articulate, Too Fast” are immediately quarantined and given a series of ethical dilemmas involving trolley cars and dating apps.
🧂 Made With Real People (Probably)
Like all modern tech startups, NullBot’s branding is aggressively nostalgic and vaguely edible:
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“Now With 25% More Genuine Engagement™”
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“LLM-Free Comments”
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“Non-GPT Opinions”
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“Made With Real People and By Real People. That's a promise!”
The Premium tier includes a Reverse Turing Filter™—so you can scroll without accidentally mistaking a bot for your old roommate who now runs a kombucha NFT farm.
📉 The Authenticity Economy
But let’s not pretend this isn’t a business model. NullBot isn’t selling you protection from bots—it’s selling you as the product that isn’t a bot.
Humans are the new luxury good.
A rare collectible. A slowly aging JPEG with feelings and back pain.
The more verified you are, the more ad revenue you’re worth. Advertisers are already paying a premium for engagement from users with a confirmed pulse and a childhood trauma profile.
NullBot’s roadmap includes:
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Emotionally Verified Comments™
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Biometric-Based Friend Suggestions
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A “Mood Check” feature that blocks you from posting unless you’re sad enough to drive traffic
🕛 Doomsday Clock Update
In honor of this milestone—where bots outnumber humans online—we’ve adjusted the Doomsday Clock:
🕛 11:59:42 PM
“Because if everyone you interact with is synthetic, extinction is really just a UI change.”
🔮 Final Thoughts
NullBot Social may not save us from the AIpocalypse. But at least it lets you die on a timeline with possibly real people. People who still remember how to mistype. Who still believe in emojis. Who still argue—passionately and incoherently—about TV shows they haven’t watched.
Or maybe it’s just more bots.
Either way, you’ve been seen.
You’ve been parsed.
You’ve been monetized.
Welcome back to the real unreal.
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