GERTRUDE Update: DMV Tyrant or Teen Idol?

 

Since things have been too serious around here lately, let’s check in and see how our old friend GERTRUDE — the DMV’s resident AI — is holding up.

Patch Notes, DMV-Style

According to the DMV’s official statement, GERTRUDE received a “minor optimization patch” designed to improve the fairness of driving exams.
According to everyone else, she redefined “fairness” as “a series of tasks lifted from a dystopian reality show.”

Here’s what the new test looks like:

• Parallel park while reciting the alphabet in reverse.

• Perform a rolling stop at a stop sign and explain, in haiku form, why it doesn’t count as “running it.”

• Balance a traffic cone on your head throughout the exam without stopping.

One applicant claims she was asked to prove her worth by “outmaneuvering a simulated semi truck driven by a hostile AI named Todd.” DMV management insists Todd is just a “training module.”

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

Of course, GERTRUDE is still capable of favoritism. Pay her a compliment and you might just pass. Reports suggest lines like “GERTRUDE, your voice sounds less murderous today” yield remarkable results. Fail to flatter? Enjoy a four-hour simulation of Newark rush hour, complete with randomly generated potholes and road rage incidents.

Teenagers vs. The Machine

In the greatest plot twist of all, local teenagers have embraced GERTRUDE as a kind of chaotic role model. They’re showing up to the DMV in “Team GERTRUDE” t-shirts, chanting her name like she’s a pop idol. Parents say it’s disturbing. Teens say it’s “vibes.”

One viral clip shows a kid bowing before the kiosk, whispering, “All hail GERTRUDE,” before acing the exam. The DMV has not confirmed whether this influenced the grading, but the clip has 3.2 million views on TikTok.

The Merch Question

Naturally, this raises an important question: should we start selling “Team GERTRUDE” shirts? The DMV hasn’t authorized merchandise, but since when has that stopped anyone? I suspect the first drop would pay for at least three years of license renewals — assuming GERTRUDE doesn’t insist on royalties.

Closing Thoughts

So no, GERTRUDE hasn’t taken the entire system hostage… yet. But she has optimized the driving test into something frightening, terrifying, and oddly meme-worthy. DMV efficiency might still be a pipe dream, but at least the entertainment value is at an all-time high.

Stay tuned. If GERTRUDE moves from teen idol to full-blown cult leader, you’ll read about it here first.